There is a devil's staff in my room

What's the real word for devil's staff? I think no one knows. Except right now I'm remembering that it is a pitchfork. Sorry, everyone last night for having to listening to me talk about my pitchfork with improper jargon.
So, my head hurts. And also, my hand hurts. It feels like someone big stepped on my hand and squished it around a little. I'm expecting bruising shortly. I wish I knew why. Ideas, any of my followers?
Last night started with everyone dressing up and going to Gargoyles on the Square with Ruth and Richard. Oooh, ahh. It was delicious. The boys all ordered duck confit, they enjoyed it, I was not offered a bite. I got chicken (Ruth and I are like twins. We sat across from each other), also delicious. Ruth told me that my house looks very nice and clean, and that she was very impressed with the organization. She told me not to hold Judah against her. I said I wouldn't. Especially because she was paying for my meal. She actually said that she found a couple boxes of food in Judah's room, and she apologized to me for putting them on my clean counters. I told her it was okay, no worries. Fast forward approximately 3 hours (Gargoyles was slowwwww. I don't know if I'm just too used to Chipotle's speedy service or what, but it was slowww), dessert time. Ruth and I decide to split something. She says that the truffle ice cream looks yummy. I say, "I think they mean the truffles like the fungus, which I hear tastes like gym socks." Everyone else at the table scoffs, thinking I watch too much Food Network and am over-cultured, and that it's truffles like the chocolate, duh. Confirm with the waitress. Who was right? Oh, maybe Bonesaw, trained by Ina Garten and Bobby Flay to recognize fanciness when she reads it on a menu. Ruth still looks intrigued by the truffle ice cream. I, in fact, am less intrigued but a) she's paying b) I don't want to be a wimp c) maybe I want to try it out a little. We get it. I'm the first to eat it. Feet. Mixed with old socks. Mixed with the glue they use to put on acrylic nails at salons. At first, the front of your palette tastes it, and it's overwhelmingly burning of BO. But then, (on my first few bites), the aftertaste and the taste in the back of your mouth actually tastes really interesting and maybe good. Have some more. Ruth is eating very, very slowly. Ruth stops eating it. Ruth wishes maybe that we had stuck to the S'mores ice cream sundae. I eat a good amount for the two of us. And then I realize that I'm eating something that is burning my mouth and tastes disgusting. So I stop. Ashton and Judah both like it, btw. Waitress said it was a love it or hate it thing, obviously. We leave the restaurant, my mouth is BURNING of truffles and every time I breathe, the taste of truffles refreshes itself. And I die a little more inside.
Go home, smores are waiting, I brush my mouth for about an hour. Okay, good to go. Cookie, Judah, the smores, and Holly the Neighbor Girl power hour with me. It's good. We've got our classic hits from the 2000s playing, we're drinking beer out of shot glasses, and Sweiss (hi Sweiss, you read my blog! I'm so excited!) had bought us a Brand New JUMBO'S REVENGE 3.0. From somewhere that's not America, how fancy. It's adorable. I'm so pumped to give one of you mono, who's going to be the lucky one??
About eleven, C, J, HNG, and I head to Theta Chi for its Heaven and Hell party. We're making fun of TC, thinking that Dan and Ashton are being silly for thinking Theta Chi (hah) will have a big line at eleven. Well, they were actually right. The line was huge. But as we walked onto the street, I saw my BFFAE (Jack knows what the AE means now, but I don't think he reads my blog) Danny Wittels on top of the stairs. I motion to him. He nods. I push my way through literally thousands of people- oh no, it was terrible for everyone else to get pushed by me- while Cookie holds my hand. We make it to the top. Within thirty seconds we get in. Oh, sorry everyone else at Tufts waiting in the cold, my BF Natty Wittman (that was for my friend Cookie, and should not reflect my feelings on either my boyfriend or the alcoholic beverage) is in Theta Chi! I felt so cool. Then we got in, saw some TC bros. Adi said, "Hey, other Christen" (FYI his girlfriend is also some variation of Kristen). I said, "Hey, other Adi!" He looked confused and was like, "No, I called you other Christen because my girlfriend is also Kristen." And I was like, "duh." And walked away.
So Cookie and I caught up with Shaye and my "steady" aka Fall Ball she-likes-grinding-on-me-way-too-much Virginia. Shaye was hammered. She had been at Theta Chi since 10PM, to give you an estimate of how drunk she much have been. At one point we were in the basement, and she asked me "Can you touch the ceiling? I just love touching the ceiling here." (For the record, I could. It was grimy.)
This post is getting long. So we're switching to the highlights reel:
1) Later that night, Shaye came up to me and asked if she should hook up with an 18-year-old boy. He looked cute. I told her to go for it. She left. But then I noticed the boy wasn't really walking with her. I cock-facilitated by sort of pushing him with my back like 5 feet towards the door. Shaye left, he didn't. I was upset. I pushed the boy some more and stood in between him and some other girls. Then I found out that wasn't the boy Shaye was talking about. Oops. Sorry, Wrong Boy, for cock-blocking whilst trying to cock-facilitate.
2) Ashton gave me his Devil's staff. Shirtless B-Rod told me to poke the boys I don't like with it. I did that. A lot. Oops. I also used it to control the flow of traffic through a hallway, and to try to stop someone from cutting in line for the bathroom.
3) Cookie had to pee. He asked me to be his girlfriend (as in girlfriendz) and wait in line for the bathroom with him. Duh, I did it. We made friends with this boy in front of Cookie, Charlie, the boy with braces. I made fun of his braces gently, then told him it was okay, because Brian Shiltz-y, who used to be quarterback for Tufts, had braces. Charlie liked us. He was a freshman, and we made him seem cool. His friend David came up in line also. We told them our names were Cookie and Bone. They did not believe us, but then I pinky-promised with David so then they did. We talked to them for at least twenty minutes. They were fun. Also in line for the bathroom was a guy and girl, and they looked awkward together and the girl had a huge, Haley-sized hickey on her neck. So I asked the guy if he gave it to her. He didn't. Oops.
4) Cookie finishes in the bathroom. We go downstairs. Sit on a chair with Ashton. Talking casually, you know, fun, and then- I look up!- and there's a copper standing next to us. He asks this clearly underage girl, "How old are you?" Cookie looks at me. I look at Cookie. Inwardly we laugh at the silly Medford accent. And then we dip faster than we've ever dipped before. Outside there was a guy getting handcuffed. Eeek.
5) Walker Street. We want to video chat Haley! But she's not on :( So we post this awesome, perfect 5 minute video on her wall! And then it doesn't save. So then we make five smaller ones, making sure that they don't go too long!! And it was good.
6) A few Theta Chi boys always always ask me why my name's Bone. I'm getting tired of it. So the past few times, I've just been saying it's because I like having sex with Matt Wittman so much. And then I walk away.
7) Judah bought me a Disney Princess nightlight. It's beautiful and above my bed.